Thoughts

In Christmas 2005, I got to know Christ and joined Y-hope, Hope Church Singapore. I was blessed to meet many friends and forged genuine friendships. I enjoyed going to church then and I was very fervent about church and the events going on. Because of that, I was often called by my friends in school, "Very on to go church", "Very holy one, always go church". I guess I was too materialistic and really got bought over by such discouraging words. I felt that going to church was useless, meeting up with church friends were all a waste of time. So in mid 2007, I decided to leave the church.

I believed that after leaving the church, I need not be so pressurised by my friends and I need not waste my time about going to church and taking part any activities. Throughout this two years of not being in a sheltered church, I felt good about going out during weekends, having the whole Saturday to myself, I need not worry about the time, I can do whatever I want. I was happy, but I was not joyful. The difference between happy and joyful are very distinctive. Happy is superficial, but joyful is a joy given from God deep within. I could not feel any joy in the past two years not belonging to a church, not going out and catching up with church friends.

Some people may comment on their churches and church friends about how hypocritical their church friends may be. How they disliked being forced to go to church, pestered by their church friends to join the church services and all. I was glad I wasn't forced by any church friend, in Y-hope. I had a choice whether I want to turn up for services or not. After all, it is my heart that has the answer.

I guess a particular reason why I decided to leave the church then was, I was leading a group back then and I got too over myself. I only thought about myself and I was too reliant on my own strength. I forgot about the true meaning of leadership, I forgot that I was taking care of people's lives, not just the physical being alone. I relied too much on myself instead of God for strength, because of that, the group that I was leading then faced disunity. Other than God himself, there was no leader to take care of them. I couldn't care less, and still left the church. To think back now, I was very selfish, I only thought about my own needs instead of the lives that God accounted me to help take care of. I did not deserve to be in God's church and I am no one to step into the church again.

Such thoughts came running that I do not deserve. But I was wrong. In 2008 and 2009, I would occasionally go for church services. Well, the thing is, I never left God. I believe God is still around me whether or not I need his miraculous powers to work. Its just that, when I go for occasional services, I get too sensitive about people looking at me. In my mind, I'd be thinking if people are looking down at me, are people think that I don't deserve, I don't belong to Y-hope. Such thoughts fluctuated in my mind, I was brought down by my thoughts and decided not to go to church, again. Then again, Saturdays will be a day out with friends, or staying at home staring at my laptop for the whole day. My life then, was meaningless. I had no aim. I felt that such a lifestyle was not bothersome. But at the end of the day, I felt lonely.

Two weeks ago, my friend whom I've known her for almost four years invited me to church again. Without much hesitation, I agreed to her invitation. I was glad I did not make a wrong decision. Though now, the members that I was the closest back then are all dispersed into different groups and all. I still do feel belonged in the current group, even though I do not know all of them personally, I know that they are genuine.

Just yesterday, I met my ministry leader. She told me she still had the message I sent her about serving in the ministry and church. I was shocked that the message is still safely kept and asked her why did she keep it after close to two years. She said, I was a life worth investing. Come to think of it, I being such an enthusiast in church were to leave church. It was definitely a disappointment to God, my close friends in church and my ministry leaders. I felt that I was such a letdown. I do believe, God had his ways. I don't promise that I will attend church services every week faithfully, but I have to say, I really enjoy being in Y-hope.

My friends in church, my ministry leaders whom I dearly love - they were people who encouraged me when at times my group back then couldn't understand and relate to how is it like juggling, school, leadership and ministry matters. I am thankful for such people in my life. Friends who I can depend on. I'm thankful that I am still in contact with some of them. Friends play an important role in my life. I love my friends. I love God, because he is so loving to me. He loved me thus he placed beautiful friends in my life. Friends like Zyann, Jogina, Ee Voon, Jess, Geraldine, Elizabeth, Yen Li and Ruth. They are the ones, that tell me there is more to life, all secured and loved by the magnificent one.